Truly Random Review #2: This Banana

Before consumption.

For the second post in the “TRROTW” (which of course stands for ‘TheDamnBeast's Really, Really Overindulgent Tripe: Weekly’) I decided to do something special to more clearly represent the spirit of the column. After the first random review, posted last week, I took lessons on subliminal messaging and noticed a pattern in the column: the most obvious choice to follow the GT2000 Clock, was to review a banana.

The banana in question, pictured left in all its ripe glory, was one hell of a pleasure to experience and review. It exceeded expectations of virtually every aspect a banana can be measured on, even by the remarkably high standards of this blog. There were some minor drawbacks which I’ll address later on, but if you don’t have time to read the full-length review, know that this banana was great and move along with your day after sharing this blog.

First off, this banana (specifically, a Cavendish banana, or musa acuminata for those of you in the biz) was great value. It was cultivated in a farm just outside of Mexico City, the name of which I also cannot share because I do not know it—and not for lack of interest, as I inquired when I received the review packet. This was a bit of a disappointing mishap of unprofessionalism on part of the merchant and distributor, but the banana cannot be faulted for its irresponsible mercantile engineers. It comes bundled with a total of other five similar bananas, all of which shared the exact same attributes.

A quick sample of the promising 9 inch banana showed me that it was indeed richly nutritious. The total of 105 calories, not counting the peel, were neatly split into 1.3 grams of protein, 27 grams of carbohydrate and 0.4 grams of fat. It’s also rich in three natural sugars: sucrose, fructose and sacarose, plus fiber for a clean and swift evacuation. There are better fruits to consume in order to become fit, if that is your goal, but these numbers are above average, especially considering the added benefits of the banana; I could feel better brain function and blood pressure immediately thanks to the potassium spike.

One downside in its nutrients is that it spiked my insulin, and it was a very obvious and somewhat unpleasant feeling. If this doesn’t deter your interest, please keep reading after sharing this blog.

The easily disposed of peel.
But what of the taste, you might ask after sharing this blog on multiple networks. It was, to put it simply, a strong taste thanks to the fiber, but riddled with subtle sweetness granted by its many natural sugars. The texture was good, but felt a bit mushy once bitten and that was somewhat underwhelming, as the rich thickness promised by its original structure seems to vanish once taken from the rest.

The packaging was standard for the product: a peel colored yellow (specifically, FFDA00 in the RGB wheel) that had two options for access into the edible pulp. I often prefer the “flip” method, as the tortured gorilla deep within my soul takes charge when holding the fruit. Though the flip it is the cleanest—and frankly coolest—method of access, there are other options you can look into if such is your interest.

A severe drawback was that when eating the fruit, two distinct unpleasant feelings took place: one, for some reason I found myself completely incapable of looking anyone in the eye while eating it; two, the shape of the fruit brought back a strange and confusingly pleasant feeling I cannot quite pinpoint (EDIT. I found what it was after a few hours of thought: it reminded me of this pleasant beach pastime from my childhood).

This banana was an unexpected surprise. It was of great monetary and nutritional value, and of great taste. Its peel is not traditionally edible, but can be easily disposed of after sharing this blog on multiple networks.

Should I Buy It? Where Can I Find It?


The acuminate herein reviewed has already been consumed and will soon be evacuated. You’re welcome to the evacuated remains if you can find them in the sewage system of Mexico City, but it’s not only a trek not worth taking; the evacuated remains will indubitably contain widely different nutritional attributes and taste. Identical bananas have been manufactured and distributed since the early 1750’s, and are very easily found in any super market. Very much recommended.

 

Score: 4 out of 5 Gorillas.
This is a truly apeeling purchase.
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About The Damn Beast

Pre-op trans-minotaur, sci-fi/fantasy/horror author, metal singer, videogame journalist, pop culture blogger. I also lift heavy things and put them down again repeatedly to occupy more space.
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