Something To Look Out For: Man With Sizable Testicles Will Jump From Quite High

Some people go to bars and drink and pee themselves in the subway. Some people write blog posts about other people’s accomplishments. Some people fap with toothpaste to Björk videos. Some people jump off buildings, sometimes with a parachute, for the hell of it.
Oh you think this looks high? This was a test
jump done from about 75% of the final altitude.

And then there’s Felix Baumgartner, who in an attempt to break a free-falling speed record, plans to jump from a tiny capsule from over 120,000 feet above the Earth’s beautiful, safe surface where all the kittens and puppies live (science suggests that there are absolutely zero kittens and puppies at 120,000 feet). To put it into perspective, that’s about four times the max altitude of a commercial flight. It’s several miles into the mesosphere, where there’s no atmosphere and your blood would begin boiling. It’s high enough to clearly appreciate the Earth’s sexy curvature. To put it in other terms, it’s about as high up as you can go while still having the possibility to fall and not just float away towards Xibalba.

Brought to you by Red Bull.

This is Red Bull Stratos, and here's what’s going to happen sometime in the week starting on Oct. 8th, 2012 in Roswell, New Mexico: this man called Felix Baumgartner—a crazy Austrian with more experience on base jumping and skydiving than anyone should have—will put on a crazy cool pressurized suit made of equal parts insulators and Red Bull logos. Then, he’ll board a tiny capsule hooked to a balloon they will fill with helium, which will take him up literally as far as it is physically possible to go with helium. Then, he’ll jump off because fuck you.

Basic physics assures us that the mountainous weight of his giant brass balls won't impact the rate at which he falls, so don't worry.

Now this isn’t just a Jackass stunt on steroids—this actually has a better purpose. For one, it’s actually a dream of Felix to break this record which has remained intact for over fifty years, and we’re not entirely sure NASA (oh yeah, NASA is involved) will deem it aceptable to do it again. Now, more important than to break an already goatshit crazy record, it’s also about science! Apparently the stunt also involves the recollection of data vital to further the progress of aerospace safety, help develop space suits you can do jumping jacks in, perfect safety protocols, and more.

But even more important than Science is entertainment value, because guess what? The whole thing will be covered internationally, and also live-streamed through the Internet. The capsule (which, by the way, will also start falling a few seconds after Felix does) as well as Felix’s suit, care about your entertainment and are equipped with several cameras through which you’ll be able to see the plunge. Try not to shit yourselves—at least your safety is guaranteed.

It’s impossible to say, even ten days before the scheduled launch, exactly when the stunt is going to take place; the meteorologic aspect of the whole affair is very unpredictable. What I can tell you is that you should tune into this site starting October 8th so you can follow the progress and know when it will happen so you don’t miss it. Also, you know—to inform yourself. The stunt is crazy dangerous, and I don’t mean Johnny Knoxville-Eviel Knievel dangerous. I mean jumping from 120,000 feet dangerous.

I hope Felix is accepting suggestions of what to say before and after the stunt. I’m partial to “I’m gonna aim for those bushes!” and “Geronimo!”
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About The Damn Beast

Pre-op trans-minotaur, sci-fi/fantasy/horror author, metal singer, videogame journalist, pop culture blogger. I also lift heavy things and put them down again repeatedly to occupy more space.
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