Truly Random Review #3: Case - “Gallery of Suicide” by Cannibal Corpse

Last year Last week, I reviewed a verys pecial little piece of fruit. There was great enjoyment in writing that particular critical piece; writing positive reviews is certainly far more enjoyable than negative ones, especially after still being high on potassium. That second analytical piece followed the first, naturally, which went in-depth into the pros and cons of a wall-mounted clock. Following the pattern, I am finally writing the logical continuation to the series.

During the usual research I always do prior to examination and review, I read very good things about the item in question. “Complex”, “technical”, “Cannibal Corpse’s best since Tomb of the Mutilated”, and “ground-breaking” were terms casually thrown around when describing it. The rave reviews made me very expectant to finally sampling it.

Alas, I was very disappointed. I do not know what CD case those people were talking about, because the CD case for “Gallery of Suicide” is certainly a sub-par and generic affair. There is nothing technical, certainly nothing ground-breaking here. Let that sink in for a moment. I know, it's heavy.

The type of case in question is called, for those uninformed, a “jewel case”. Well, it might be a jewel, but this is no gem. Here is a picture of the item so you know exactly what I’m talking about and see that my descriptions, which will sound exaggerated, become believable.

Oh you're made of recyclable plastic? Big fucking deal!
First off, the “jewel” case is made of fragile (and I want to use the word “insubstantial”) plastic I could crush with one hand if I so wanted. The tint of the plastic is slightly opaque, which is the most immediately noticeable problem. When I want to look at a CD case like those I am used to with Cannibal Corpse, I certainly want a perfect and crisp view of the charming artwork of putrid cadavers and genital mutilation.
Alas in this case, pun most certainly not intended, the opaque nature of the plastic puts a veil between your eyes and the deformed, mutilated monstrosities. Why are they denying the fans the simple pleasures of owning a CD? It’s almost cruel.

Opening the case worsened the deal, because there was an obvious squeak that boiled my urine. It squeaks, to be precise, a Bb five octaves above middle C, at 2.1dB. You can understand my distaste during the actual opening of the CD, which by the way came sealed by a strip of sticky plastic supposedly to keep it from being stolen.

Alas it doesn’t serve that purpose (who would want to steal such a mediocre case, anyway?) as much as it just left a permanent stain of goo on the edges of the case. Just thinking about how I cannot clean it causes a fissure in my gasket. Inside, there is a circular indentation in which the CD goes, not surprising anyone with its engineering and design. I do appreciate the smaller circle in the middle that keeps the CD from rattling inside the case, but meh.

Meh. That’s the most appropriate word here.

Alas I cannot use it too much because I do not like to repeat myself in writing, especially when writing a piece on an item that’s left a sour taste in my maw. The lid of the case, where the booklet goes, contains four semi-circular ½’’ pieces which hold the booklet in place. This is somewhat creative because, though they are not pretty to look at and make up yet another imposition between you and the cover art, I cannot think of another more subtle way to get the job done.

Scratching at the bottom of the barrel to find another positive note so I can salvage something from this mess, I have one last thing I can say: the CD case comes bundled with the “Gallery of Suicide” album, which shreds your corpsefucking shit, yo. The album is a very nice inclusion, and much appreciated from this reviewer’s perspective.

Should I buy it? Where can I find it?

“Gallery of Suicide” is a popular album which you’d have no trouble finding. There are variations of the case, which I’m sure are better than this since they can’t really be worse. It’d be easy to find, but it’s not a recommended buy unless you’re really interested in the album that comes with it.

Score: 1 and a half out of 5 dumbstruck Corpsegrinder heads.

I like CDs, but not this particular case!
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About The Damn Beast

Pre-op trans-minotaur, sci-fi/fantasy/horror author, metal singer, videogame journalist, pop culture blogger. I also lift heavy things and put them down again repeatedly to occupy more space.
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