9 Reasons Why the "Jurassic World" Trailer Did Nothing For Me

Watching Jurassic Park was one of the first times in my life when I publicly demonstrated that I was a bit of a pussy as a kid. I was about 7 years old and all I kept thinking was "Wow, this movie is about dinosaurs. I've been told by my older brother that dinosaurs are really sweet, and that the T-Rex is the baddest of the bad."

Then that guy got it in the toilet. In my head I couldn't understand why people were laughing; it felt like a horror movie. It was such a cruel, pathetic and brutal death that I'm almost sure I started crying. I didn't enjoy violence in movies back then, and I certainly didn't expect any of it in a movie my parents took me at that age. I covered my eyes for like an hour, and when I started to enjoy it again, there was a severed arm that just did me in. I keep thinking that it might have been because I just didn't expect people to die; just some sweet dinosaurs. I was kind of an idiot at seven.

It wasn't until Lost World that I actually began to enjoy the movies. I walked out of that one with a shit-eating grin on my face. It had awesome action, a ridiculously badass climax, a surplus of T-Rex, that high grass raptor scene and to date I still like it more than the first one (which, don't get me wrong, I saw recently and still think it's a masterpiece).

So the fact that I saw the Jurassic World trailer that had the Internet's collective panties running for the life boats did absolutely nothing for me isn't because I'm not a fan of the series. First off, let me embed that shit right here.

Pow! Now, there were bits that sure looked awesome (like the shark getting fucked up, and the baddass ominous music). Other than that, this looks like yet another too-late sequel that will bring nothing new to the table. Let me tell you more.

Note: All these observations come purely from the trailer. I haven't been following this movie closely. If I say something that's been proven differently, please tell me in the comments.

1. It feels like a wasted opportunity

The worst kind of sequels are the one that have the same basic premise as the original with minor alterations. This is exactly that. At least The Lost World was an entirely different premise that promised the same thrills we enjoyed from the first one: people being chased by dinosaurs. When I saw the title and first teaser poster I literally thought it was a post-apocalyptic story in the Jurassic Park universe. I would've loved that. This is the same damn thing as the first, with artificial "higher stakes" (kind of like how the movies that followed The Human Centipede just had more people eating shit).

2. Why is this even happening?

Is this taking place in a parallel reality where the first (and second and third) movies didn't happen? For the life of me I cannot imagine what idea they'll cook up for the story here. Why did they try again, why did they try doing obviously fucking dangerous experiments right there in a park open for the public, and why is everything going wrong again? If it's some villain's masterplan, that sucks. If it's just bad karma, that's even worse.

They must spend more money on insurance than research.

3. The dinosaurs

I feel like it's kind of a danger zone here because a lot has been discovered about dinosaurs since the book was written and the first movie/s came out. Didn't scientists find out (or at least are somewhat sure) that raptors, the Coolest Dinosaur World Champ, had feathers, and were far smaller? Why are we seeing the same old designs here? I would've been pretty pleased to see them getting updated, because now it just feels like the filmmakers were too lazy to do any research.

4. Chris Pratt as Will Smith

"Probably not a good idea," he tells Dr. Bitchface. By 2015 I feel like the "I told you so" guy trope has become tired and weak. I worship Pratt but I'd be surprised if his character is more than that. The trailer shows absolutely no promise that it isn't.

"If only my huge brain had your common sense..."

5. Dr. Bitchface

Again with this shit. Ultra smart but morally handicapped scientist goes too far with her research, unleashes hell, and then obviously sacrifices herself out of guilt to let the children escape in the end á la Deep Blue Sea (and I'll eat my fucking hat if this doesn't happen). Why are they using this archetype, together with Will Smith seen in #4, again? I understand sticking to certain derivative tropes because they're comfortable and often fun, but this is some Straight To DVD Seventh Sequel SyFy Original shit.

6. Kids as main characters

One of the worst tropes in horror/adventure movies. I realize both the first and second movies featured kids prominently (and the first one had one hell of a scene with them alone), but this trailer makes it look like they're going to have a significant role of survival on their own. Which means all the stuff we've come to know and love. Kids running away in a crowded area during an attack with shots of people getting picked off around them. Kids who have no right to survive miraculously finding escape routes and hiding spots no one else saw. Just . . . kids.

7. "Hybrid" plot device

Why do sci fi adventure sequels always have to involve this stuff? It's such an artificial way to take the "don't play God" thing to an expected place. It was great in Jurassic Park because the concept was perfectly exposed without needing to take it any farther than "We're bringing dinosaurs back; eat shit, history". That was more than enough to ask the typical "Have we gone too far?" sci fi question without . . . well, going too far. Narratively.

8. This shot

Unless Starlord is leading a charge of Raptors against the big monster I'm picturing like the Alphas in How To Train Your Dragon 2 (and if that's what we're seeing this will be the greatest movie of all time), the fuck is this?

9. More inaccurate title workarounds

Of course they couldn't have called it Jurassic Park IV because Hollywood is horrified of numbers. This just gives me more that impression of people grabbing onto a beloved franchise too many years too late to see if they can squeeze it a bit more. I appreciate trying to whip it back into shape after Jurassic Park III, but this is just more Dumb & Dumber To, Prometheus, Live Free or Die Hard, et al. None of those were great movies.

Last year I would've ended saying that "I'll go see it anyway", but considering as of late I haven't been going much to the movies, even for movies I actually want to see like Birdman or Big Hero Six, I'm actually pretty confident in thinking I won't bother unless it gets amazing reviews. Now, I may sound cynical and bitter, but this thing might surprise me, and I love being wrong when it ends up with me enjoying a movie I thought I wouldn't enjoy. Reverse disappointment is the best.
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About The Damn Beast

Pre-op trans-minotaur, sci-fi/fantasy/horror author, metal singer, videogame journalist, pop culture blogger. I also lift heavy things and put them down again repeatedly to occupy more space.
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