Movie Review: "50 Shades Of Grey" (2015)

I had a rough start in life, you should steer clear of me.
- Christian Grey (and also the overall gist of the book)

My inner castrating goddess is howling for the blood of those who thought it was a great idea to allow E.L James to publish her X-Rated Twilight fan fiction, and she is doing the dance of the psychotic cheetah when she is now reading that Sam Taylor-Johnsons' cinematic interpretation is raking in far more cash than movies that are legitimately swell.

I have read 69 pages of the first novel and I couldn't bear subjecting my inner castrating goddess to any more because of how unbearably badly it was written. I'm talking like a hormonally-tortured, repressed teenage girl in high school who thinks that babies come from kissing. It is HORRID. So to have this stupid, stupid, stupid novel to be transposed onto the big screen by a generally respectable director, it was mind-boggling.

Do you know what is more ridiculous?

The fact that the original script writer was given the riding crop out the Red Room so that James could re-inject her own deliciously ridiculous dialogue.

You see, here's the thing; Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson (who deserves a medal for her work in this movie for at least trying to give such a DOA character a spark of vigor) are good actors who have shown what they are capable of in the past. Dornan has a starring role in the serial killer thriller television series The Fall alongside Gillian Anderson as a violent, misogynistic and unpredictable murderer. For him to go toe-to-toe with a seasoned and versatile actress such as Anderson is a treasure to see.

Johnson meanwhile, the result of the union between Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson has shown herself to be incredibly likeable for her role in the short-lived series Ben & Kate and she had such an endearing quality about her. So what the hell happened here? Dornan and Johnson display as much on-screen romantic chemistry as a cold damp towel in a sauna filled with sumo wrestlers. It's not their fault and granted, they aren't given a whole lot to work with, but when the two talented and attractive young people aren't firing off sparks in character, there is something drastically wrong.

Take her to the doctor, you prick!
My inner castrating goddess refuses to venture into the controversy the books have sparked because quite frankly it's nothing you haven't already heard before. But for a story that focuses on the sexual awakening of an innocent virgin and an (allegedly) tall, dark and experienced handsome sexual deviant, there is no heat to be felt, merely the last vestige of warmth you feel in a coffee that has been sitting unattended for too long. Oh sure, there is nudity from Johnson and Dornan in the surprisingly sparing  sex scenes, but one major part of arousal comes from the attraction characters share. Considering Anastasia in the novel marvels at Christian Greys' supposedly legendary donger, on numerous occasions, you don't even see a hint of ballsack in this movie.

This may surprise you, but I am one of the few crazy women who does not go wild for Sean Connery as James Bond. Connery was handsome for sure, but I felt no urge to straddle him like a wild bronco and ride that stud to the stable. Same goes here, the leads look pretty but they have no connection, no spark or ignition and therefore I felt nothing as a spectator. A shallow, perverted reason why we love to watch sex scenes in movies is to live vicariously through the sweating, heaving, mutually orgasming bodies on screen. 50 Shades Of Grey did not hold a hint of this aspect and for a film that was saying it was gonna push the boundaries, it's like a boasting rancher; big hat and no cattle.

Generally speaking, yeah, the movie is as dumb as you'd think and anything I would say is something you have already thought for yourself. All of the fundamental elements as to how to make a decent movie seems to be lost here and that is a shame because Taylor-Johnson has legitimate talent as a director. The woman has a keen eye for camera work, lighting and visual aesthetics, but the rest of the film does her gifts no justice. If I had to give credit to this movie, as I said, Dakota Johnson is perhaps the better actor here; her Ana has no personality, but Johnson does have a warmness about her that you can buy her as a nervous, repressed young woman who finds herself in an odd situation. There were times that Dornan played Grey almost like a sociopathic murderer... heeeeeeey, that would have actually been incredibly cool not to mention truer to the character of Edward Cullen who he was ripped  based off!  The film certainly IS well shot, that is to say it has a polished look that covers everything in frame, it's just too bad there is nothing to give the imagery that jolt of life it all needed. True to the title, there are multiple shades of grey: they just aren't exciting, none of them. For a trashy novel adaptation it looks more sophisticated than it deserves to be.

Sexy factor: 100%

50 Shades Of Grey is a terrible film and it deserves every harsh piece of censure it has received. Dull, uninspired and tragically mishandled, if this was how E.L. James saw her blatantly uncreative magnum opus, then she succeeded stupendously. The rest of us meanwhile are left outside in the cold catching pneumonia while our tits freeze off.

My inner castrating goddess is not pleased with this hooptee of crapola and would much rather pee in her human flesh boots and float in them. Screw this movie, screw the Yes-People who okay'd it and screw E.L. James for not having a creative bone in her body.
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Fallen Botticelli Angel/Elightened Eldritch/Lunatic Fringe
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