Spider-Man Crawls His Way Into the MCU (And Why That Sucks)


Monday night. I usually like Monday nights. It is the only night of the week that I have for myself, since all other week nights I have all sorts of commitments.

Here I was hoping for another peaceful Monday night, I was about to start watching a movie (I heard Tommy Boy is cool) and then, pow: the bomb dropped.


Holy Gucamole! IT FINALLY HAPPENED! Thousands of Geeks went to Twitter to share the joy, the happiness, the dream coming true! WE WON! THE TERRORISTS LOST! SPIDEY IS COMING TO THE MCU! IS THIS CHRISTMAS?!

I was not one of those guys.

Here is a summary of my thought process on the matter:

At first I was reasonable, just trying to think how Spidey would fit into the MCU. Would they shoehorn him into Civil War? That really does not make any sense since the role of Spidey in the conflict relies on him being an established hero.

Also, what is the deal with the Spidey Movie release date? July 28, 2017? Isn't that the release date for Thor: Ragnarok?

Hmm. Weird.

Maybe they mean that they will introduce the character before that date; I heard the rumors on him joining in on the fun for Avengers Infinity Wars: Part 1, so that would make sense. Could they introduce him in Ant-Man with some re-shoots? Civil War after credits? Maybe Dr. Strange to rake in the everyone who doesn't know who Dr. Strange is?

Are we even giving him origin story? I surely hope so, if Spider Man was already operating during the battle of New York at the end of the first Avengers, they better have a very good excuse for him not being around.

Hey, actually the whole "Defenders" stuff is about to get started on Netflix, those series have a big focus on New York City. Could it be that maybe Spidey is introduced via one episode of Jessica Jones? That might be pretty cool.

But no, I don´t think so, Spidey is too big of a character to be introduced like a common Inhuman.

Oh wait, hold on! What is this I see? Another announcement from Marvel?

Is that smoke coming out of my ears?
WELL FUCK YOU MR SPIDER MAN, FUCK YOUR STUPID SPIDER FACE AND YOUR STUPID SPIDER PANTS THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK THAT GOOD ON YOU ANYWAY [Editor's Note: Don't listen to him, Spidey; he mad]!

THOR: RAGNAROK. BLACK PANTHER. CAPTAIN MARVEL. INHUMANS.

THEY HAVE ALL BEEN PUSHED BACK ODIN KNOWS HOW LONG TO MAKE SPACE FOR YOUR STUPID SPIDER FACE.

Oh wait, but guess what? The remaining Avengers movies are not being pushed back.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

We are getting the Inhumans movie AFTER Infinity Wars: Part 2. What THE FUCKING SHIT? Marvel, you promised me that I would get Blackar Boltagon and Iron Man and Iron Fist and everyone fighting together against Thanos in Infinity Wars and now what?

Now instead of a whole fucking team of space badasses I get ONE LAME SPIDER GUY?!

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU INTRODUCE THE INHUMANS ON AGENTS OF SHIELD JUST TO PUSH THEM OUT OF AVENGERS LATER?

Just to make room for the "Prodigal Spidey Son" WELL FUCK YOU MARVEL. I feel betrayed.


I would be A-Okay if they had also pushed back the Avengers flicks, but they didn't, and that means that the whole story line for Phase 3 will get reworked, rewritten and reshuffled. AND THAT SUCKS ASS.

Fuck you, Spider-Man. Fuck you for being the most relatable character on the whole Marvel Universe. Fuck you for representing the average twenty something broke comic book reader (re: me). Fuck you for being so big.

Seriously man, you are not even that cool. Yeah, the fanbase is excited. They are excited because they are getting EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT, WHAT THEY ARE COMFORTABLE WITH, WHAT THEY EXPECT. And because of that, we are losing the chance of seeing Space X-Men fighting Thanos along the Guardians and the Avengers with their teleporting, precog space dog.

In my book, that is our loss.

FUCK YOU SPIDER MAN. 

Just picture Rocket riding Lockjaw into battle.
Now forget that because Spider-Man is a butt.
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About Game_Brains

I make videogames. Superhero culture is the closest thing I have to a religion. Hopefully one day I will explore space, but meanwhile I´m happy replaying Mass Effect. I seriously want to achieve immortality, not joking on this one. My self appointed mission in life is to make the world a happier place. I´m a walking and talking self help book, also, I TOTALLY BELIEVE IN YOU.
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