Movie Review: "Furious 7" (2015)

*Spoilers for this instant classic ahead*

If you haven't seen this movie then please stop what you're doing and go experience this ridiculous piece of cinema. If you've seen any of the Fast and Furious franchise then you know they can get a little crazy. Well guess what, shit just got turned up to 11 and there's not enough N0S in the world to prepare you for this adventure. Are you ready for one last ride?

So this movie is all about Shaw (Statham) and his quest for vengeance against Dom & Co. We know this because at the beginning of the film we are shown Shaw making a promise to his comatosed brother that he's gonna take them down. We get a real idea of how serious this guy is when we see just what it took for Shaw to reach his brother and all the damage he did along the way. Because you know, subtlety. But right off the bat, we're stuck with the question "Why is Shaw all about the vengeance if his brother isn't even dead?" I mean, I get that he wants to avenge what happened but wouldn't he be better off just trying to help his bro the old fashioned way? With medical care? Instead he just leaves him in the half-blown up hospital, in police custody. Can't say I totally understand his reasoning.

But this is just one of the many questions that this film brings up. Like since when did Dom and Letty create "Race Wars"? This could just be something I missed in the other films but, given the role "Race Wars" played in the first one, you'd think they may have mentioned that they were its creators. You know, maybe it'd slip in somewhere in casual conversation? Guess not. Also, what is the deal with Letty's amnesia? She's suddenly acting like her revelations at the end of Fast Six didn't even happen. It's okay, I forgot what happened in that movie too.

 There's this thing that my brother and I have observed that Dom does throughout the series and it's called Dom Sense. See, it's like Spidey Sense except the writer's here don't bother explaining it at all, it just happens. The first occurrence in this film happens when Dom is at Han's funeral and it suddenly overtakes him. Time slows down and his head lifts up, almost as if he were a dog sniffing the air but no -- this is Dom Sense. It happens at least half a dozen times in this movie and each is more amazing than the last.

Can someone tell me why on earth the team is hunting down Shaw when his own mission is to hunt down the team that comatosed his brother? That means that all Dom would have to do, in order to find Shaw, is to stay in one place. Bam. Easy. Shaw finds him and they take his ass in. Not too difficult. But no, instead they come up with the (not convoluted in the least) plan to rescue this hacker named Ramsay, who has a program (impeccably titled, "God's Eye") that can track down Shaw. After rescuing her they must then steal "God's Eye" back, and use her to properly track him. Except there's one problem: Shaw is hunting them down at every location. So why on earth are they need to continue their plan, which is simply to find Shaw, when they just have to look to the left of them and -- oh hey, there's Shaw. But you know what, fuck logic. That's what the rest of this series said long ago.

The insane moments in this movie are just too many to count but I'll go over some of my favorites. There's is one point in the film that Dom LIFTS A CAR UP LIKE A JACK. Brian just casually goes under, while this huge vehicle is being held up by only the sheer muscles of Dom, and doesn't think anything of it, just goes about his business. Nevermind the fact that this is supposed to be a bullet-proof vehicle, complete with body armor. Do you know how heavy body armor would be on any vehicle, let alone that Batmobile looking car? Not too heavy for Dom's robot arms apparently.

I counted at least five times that the reference of a "last ride" is made, while the camera is firmly on Paul Walker. Okay, I get that these films aren't exactly known for their taste but I couldn't believe how much they were beating us over the head with it. That could have very well been how they wrote the film pre-Walker's death but I highly doubt it. It all just comes off as even more melodramatic than this series usually is which, in and of itself, is baffling.

There are no less than three different times that Dom gets into a car accident that would have killed any normal human being. One of said accidents happens when he is supposed to be saving Ramsay and instead decides to drive fast off a cliff. Nevermind the fact that he could have taken it a little slower and gone down the hill a little easier, he just floors it and does his damndest to get Ramsay killed in the process. Somehow he doesn't succeed. Another time he's driving full speed at Jason Statham and they have a head on collision. Not sure what his end-game was there but don't worry, Dom escaped with only a couple scratches.

The only time a bone is broken in this movie is when The Rock is thrown from a building by an explosion and crashes through a car -- using it like it's some kind of cushiony padding. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up. But what better way for him to finally get out of the cast then by having him flex out of it. That's right, he just tears right through that fiberglass with the sheer force of his muscles. Again, fuck logic. It's bad-ass. Just like when fashions his own mini-gun and tears through the streets like he's the fucking Terminator.

I kept waiting for Kurt Russell to finally make the turn we all knew was coming yet something amazing happened: absolutely nothing. He was just a good ole fashioned government agent trying to do his patriotic duty. I miss films where there isn't a conspiracy in every government operation. I feel like we've been beaten over the head with that these last few years so bravo for not taking the cheap route, I appreciate it.

Speaking of bit roles that really serve no purpose, was there any actual set up to Ronda Rousey's character? She just shows up and the filmmaker's are just like "You know who she is, we don't need to set up her up as bad-ass." And you know what? They're fucking right. As soon as she was revealed, I knew she was a bad-ass that would be able to take on even Vin Diesel if she had to. But anyone that sees this film after Rousey's out of the spotlight? Yeah, they're gonna be a little confused why this person, with no actual build, is anything more than a henchman. So the point of her casting was... oh yeah, she's a beast.

How long was that end fight going on between Dom and Shaw? They showed a little and then cut away for at least ten minutes, before finally returning to it. With that timeline I totally get why they both seem so exhausted -- they've been full on brawling for longer than any of their other encounters combined -- but the filmmakers just treat it like there was no cut. Because again, fuck logic.

In case you couldn't tell, I adored this movie. It may not seem like it with how much I picked it apart, but I love movies like this. The level of insanity that was achieved during its 137 minute run-time was through the roof. I couldn't even cover a quarter of the madness that occurs. You just have to see it for yourself. I recommend you watch it projecting onto a garage, with a bunch of muscle cars (fuck carpooling), and make sure that your brain is checked at the door. And a corona. Gotta have that corona.
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About zombievictim

I'd like my writing to further represent me as a person by providing different insights into the things currently on my mind. Whether it's writing about a movie, TV show, album, book, wrestling event, experience, or life lesson. I don't plan on making this a personal blog where I treat it like a diary. This is just supposed to represent… Me.
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